Feeling much better now.

Wow, that last post of mine was just ridiculously self-pitying. Pity party on poor little me! I try not to indulge in that sort of thing too often. It involves temporarily taking the absolutely bleakest view possible of events and assuming that the bad will continue to outweigh the good.

On the plus side, it was nice to learn I have at least one loyal reader in addition to the one other I already knew about. (Hi Teri! Hi Anonymous!) In answer to Anonymous' comment, I have to say it's much easier to post these deep personal feelings on my blog, to be seen only by a few people who I've never met, than to share it with people I know who would then know that our marriage isn't in fact rock-solid and totally equal - a facade I realize I've gone to great pains to build up. I guess I worked so hard on that facade that I actually had myself convinced for a good long time.

One reason I feel better is that I engaged in a little retail therapy. Of course, it was all at K-Mart - the only store at which I can now afford to buy work clothes - but thank god for the Jaclyn Smith line is all I can say. I bought two skirt suits and two sweater sets (one a nice silk blend) with matching skirts, all nice lightweight stuff in happy summer colors, for about $150. And the stuff fits me well - something I can never say for anything I buy at Target or Kohl's or Old Navy. K-Mart's stuff lasts better than anything from those stores too, surprisingly. Target, especially, sells stuff that you might as well throw away after the first wearing.

The other reason I feel better is that I got to spend lots and lots of quality time with the little girl. She had a fever on Thursday and Friday - don't know where it came from. She didn't seem to be in any distress but she didn't want to eat or drink much and was barely sleeping, and her frustration tolerance was absolutely zero. So I decided I was going to let her nurse as much as she wanted this weekend to help keep her hydrated and nourished and to generally give her comfort. I took a couple of extra domperidone tablets (google it, best thing ever for women with milk production issues) to crank up the ol' milk factories, and let her go to town. Boy, was she stoked. She must have nursed ten times a day all weekend long. Her fever broke with her Saturday midday nap, and her appetite and sunny personality came back. I got super-extra-lots of nice cuddles and milky sweet kisses. She went to sleep like an angel both nights; curled right up on my chest and zonked before the end of the first verse of the first of her three lullabies, with a beatific smile on her face. And there was lots of my very favorite family activity - me and hubby just hanging out and playing with her, loving on her and just marveling together about how smart and sweet and beautiful and incredibly surprising she is in every way. Anyway, long story short, she and I both felt pretty crappy heading into the weekend, but we were able to help each other feel better. She is the best mood therapy in the world. I can't believe I thought even for a moment that she could possibly have been a mistake.

My husband has promised to clean the house today. Let me tell you, nothing says "I'm sorry" like a clean house delivered up with a smile, and a side order of happy baby.