Unhappy.

I have been remiss in my blogging duties. This is largely because I have been so unhappy in my marriage lately that it just does not bear dwelling on, and everything else I might blog about brings me back to that. At one point not long ago, I would have said we have an ideal, modern, feminist-positive marriage. But we have been fighting all the time for the last month or so. I never see the damned fights coming and when they come, they completely knock the wind out of me. My husband is so very, very mean and cruel and awful to me when we fight. He breaks out the divorce threat each and every time. Other threats he broke out earlier this week included a threat to not allow me to use either of our vehicles - they're both registered in his name b/c I owe the city tax assessor a bunch of money and he has cop friends from softball he says he could get to arrest me for car theft. He's also threatened to rat me out to my boss for something I'd rather not say here but that would more than likely get me fired.

I think all couples fight at least sometimes. But it is absolutely impossible for me to win a fight with him. All I can do is hope to disarm the situation. This happens the same way every time. (a) Admit he's 100% right. (b) Admit I'm 100% wrong. (c) Apologize repeatedly. (c) Fuck him like I'm as hot for his body as I was when we first started dating at age 19 when we were both much skinnier and had never had a fight. (d) Never bring up the subject of the fight again.

My stomach is heaving after swallowing so much of my pride.

Why not leave? The answer is simple - our little girl. He is an UNBELIEVABLE father. And neither of us wants to put her in day care. If we divorced, she'd have to go into daycare so he could work and support himself.

I do still love him. I think. But I don't understand how I can be the one in charge of earning all the money and still I have absolutely *zero* power in the relationship. If our little girl were not in the picture, I would have served him with divorce papers this past Tuesday. Instead, I abased myself to him and then serviced him sexually to defuse the unbearable situation.

How can the best, most wonderful and beautiful thing in my life - our little girl - have maybe, after all, turned out to be the stupidest thing I've ever done? Because right now her best interests in having an intact family and not being in day care are directly opposed to my best interests in getting away from this relationship which is administering regular beatings to my sense of dignity and self-worth.

*wallowing in self-pity, please forgive me*