Melancholy.

Some things are going well. June is a three-paycheck month, so we have some extra cash and are finally going to be able to buy that nice big eight-chair ceramic-tile-top outdoor dining set with the umbrella I've had my eye on for over a year. The little girl is doing fabulous. She now says blue and purple and yellow and orange and green and red. She says sorry though she clearly has no idea what it means. And in the car on the way home from the park at dinnertime, she said home for the first time. And said it again as I sang her to sleep. Her hair is coming in so full now, finally, with the adorable baby curls at the back. She is just so lovely that it breaks my heart.

But tonight I am feeling melancholy. She is down for the night, and my hubby is out playing softball as he does twice or three times a week during the season. This should be a blessed moment of me time. But I've just set my alarm for 4AM and I know I should be asleep right now. I just can't sleep. My best friend is going to be leaving for Indonesia in a couple of months - her husband has been there in charge of disaster relief for many months already. I'm going to miss her so much. And I have so few other friends right now. I have one close friend, G; we've seen each other through hell and high water. But we are friends despite the fact that we don't have a lot in common. We have once-a-week playdates (she has a 1 and a 4 year old) and go to each other's parties & BBQ's. I love her dearly, but I can't talk to her about everything I think about. I had one other very close friend but she's grown away from me in the past few years and sometimes I just don't know what to say to her. I had two very close friends in law school, but now they both live in California while I'm in Boston.

Yes, I'll admit it. I'm lonely. My husband cannot be my entire support network. I never expected him to be, nor did he want that. But sometimes he is just that on a de facto basis. And sometimes I can't stand him. Sometimes I just want to scream at him. I haven't really gotten over the big money fight a month or so back. There's this line in a Pink Floyd song - "quiet desperation is the English way" - and damned if I don't feel English right now. I do still love him, but I hate the way he treats me when we fight. I don't know what we have in common anymore either. He loves motorcycles and football and playing softball with his team. Oh yeah, and sex. I don't know what the hell I love (other than our little girl of course). I love sleeping. I wish I could sleep for a year. I used to love studying Russian and French, and reading about Paris in the hopes that someday I might get to spend the six-months-to-a-year there that I'd need to become fluent. That's clearly not going to happen, at least until I retire. I used to like going to the theater. Now I'd rather sleep. I used to like movies. Now I wait for them to come on HBO so I can fall asleep to them. I like to eat. Yeah, that's going to work out well for my weight when I wean the little girl. I have loved sex at times in the past, but I don't right now. Often I'd much rather just be left alone to - you guessed it - sleep. I don't know if I have it in me to be the enthusiastic exhibitionist sex-crazed slut my husband needs me to be. Aaargh. I'm shutting down this line of discussion right now.

Anyway, what I meant to say is that my best friend is going to be moving to Indonesia very soon and I am going to miss her very much. And I don't have anyone to step into her best-friend shoes. Which means I am soon going to be very much alone. Just me, my sweet and hungry husband, and our wonderful little girl.

I think I'm going to invent an imaginary friend.