Weaning (sob!), Valentine's Day

Well, it's happening sooner than I thought, and I am both happy and sad about it. There is no doubt that my babygirl is weaning. Her consumption of pumped milk has dropped to nearly nothing - she's been taking just a couple of ounces of her "breakfast bottle," which was always the most crucial bottle of her day. The rest of my milk has just been sitting in the fridge, slowly going sour. Yesterday I did the unthinkable - flushed two full 6-oz bottles down the toilet, because they had spoiled. And then I dumped the 4 oz. remaining of her breakfast bottle down the sink. I'm down to one pump a day at work, just enough to give my boobies the signal to keep making enough milk for an early AM feeding.

But she's also scaling back on her consumption of milk from the tap. On the days I'm home, I breastfeed her when she first wakes up, but she doesn't ASK for it; she wakes up and I offer it to her. Then she doesn't generally ask to nurse until the mid- to late afternoon, right about the time I get home on workdays. This is the only nursing session she actually asks for anymore. And even then she remains distractible - by the TV, by the dog, by her daddy. Our afternoon nursing session tends to be long, but she isn't doing a lot of sucking and swallowing. She holds me in her mouth, sucking just a bit, while she futzes with my bra strap and shirt and face. When she finishes, there's clearly still more milk to be had that she just doesn't want. This nursing session is more about being close to me than it is about nourishment.

She still nurses when I put her down to bed for the night, of course. She doesn't have to ask for this nursing session; it's our entrenched routine. I read her a book, usually "Goodnight Moon," we lie down on her bed, I give her boobies, and she falls asleep. But this nursing session has also gotten shorter, and she is less likely to fall asleep on the boob. Sometimes she plays with my nipple a bit before she'll even take it into her mouth to nurse. I think she'll be ready to give this one up soon.

I had hoped, no, planned to nurse until she turned two. So on a certain level, it's unexpected and sad that she's not interested in continuing the nursing relationship for that long. I'm trying to look at it as a good thing - she is so happy and self-confident and secure of her place in our lives and the world, and has adjusted so well to real food and drink, that she just doesn't feel the need to nurse the way she did when she was just a little thing. I'm also very psyched that soon I'll be able to stop pumping, and frankly, stop thinking so damned much about my breasts. But I have such mixed feelings at this very real, very obvious transitional step in her life. Never again will she be my little tiny nursing baby, my little boobie baby. Never again will I hear what I called the "boobie chuckle," that half-laugh, half-anxious-cry that used to come out of her mouth as I set up the Boppy, placed her on it, and unfastened my shirt and bra to allow her access. Now she's an independent little toddler, complete with sippy cups of soymilk instead of bottles of breastmilk. I'm happy to see her turn into a toddler. Her every developmental step fills my heart with joy, pride, and pure pleasure. It's just the baby she's left behind that I will miss - for how long I don't know, but certainly for awhile.

Anyway, on a less bittersweet note, happy Valentine's Day!!! My hubby bought me two dozen long-stemmed red roses. They're gorgeous and even smell nice, if not very strong. He actually gave them to me yesterday, along with cards from both him and the babygirl. It's OK that he gave them to me yesterday, because that gave me time this morning to divide out one dozen and wrap them up to bring into my office. (Flowers always mean more when they are at the office where everyone can *see* them, am I right? Bad, shallow, petty little me!)




Thanks, honeybear, for the flowers and for everything. I try to make a point of telling you how much I appreciate what you do, but I don't know if I say it often enough or in the way you'd most like to hear it. So I'll say it here for all the world to hear. I love you and I am an incredibly lucky woman, to have a man who loves me and our daughter so very much, who is faithful and loyal and supportive and constant, and who can be tender and loving and strong and macho all at the same time. Without you, I could not have the happy, mostly-balanced life that I do. You are all that I want and more than I deserve. Happy Valentine's Day, my sweetie, and many, many more.