We apologize for any inconvenience caused by our delay in service...
An anonymous commenter (hi!) indicated she's anxiously awaiting my Motherless: Part 3 - Karen post. I just wanted to say that this post is going to be the hardest one for me to write, as Karen was present in my life for longer than either Leila or Alice, and because to some extent my situation with her is still unresolved. This one is going to require me to unload a LOT of baggage, and will be neither easy nor pleasant to write. It will also require me to find a good block of time to sit in front of my computer undisturbed by either rampaging toddler or curious hubby (who, by the way, has no idea that I've got a blog, much less that I've posted our intimate marital secrets on it.)
Anyway, long story short, Part 3 is percolating away in the back of my brain while other things take priority. I hope I'll get to it soon - frankly, I hope that getting it off my chest will help me to process it, lay down my bitterness, and move on with my life.
Thanks for waiting.
posted by Susan D. @ 12:31 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Real life acknowledged - and appreciated. Just know that your story is fascinating!
Kathleen
I'm sorry, but I'd like to back up a bit and respond to your numerous posts here about your husband. I've been lurking for a few months (my apologies for not introducing myself earlier) and have found your stories heartwrenching and heartwarming (and very articulate, no wonder you're a lawyer!), but have felt compelled to write only now because your latest post about the no-sex issue has been bothering me. A lot.
OK, so let me get this straight. He'd like to have raunchy sex as much as possible with you. Sure, that's a compliment because he finds you sexy and wants to have that sex with YOU. However, because you have a different sex drive or wants, he's decided that it's all or nothin'? So, no one's gettin' any? In essence he's withholding sex from you when you initiate because you don't give him all that he wants. Um...I don't mean to be offering unsolicited advice or poking my nose into your business (more than by reading about it), and I'm probably going to say things that you already know, but because I really care about how your life turns out, I need to get my own feelings off my chest. Your husband is textbook passive-aggresive and has some SERIOUS issues to work through. 1) He's not the breadwinner in the house. Although he may talk a good game and be a great father, internally he's probably feeling emasculated because he's not fitting the "typical" role of the male in the house. 2) He's disrespectful to you and your wishes. He calls you names when you fight and yells at you in front of your daughter. He doesn't admit when he may be wrong or that your opinion or feelings may count. This is NOT appropriate behavior--in ANY kind of relationship (family, friendship, partner). Before we got married, my husband and I went on a couple's retreat and learned certain "rules of engagement": no name calling, empathize by repeating back the person's feelings as YOU understand them, and start your sentences with "I feel...." so that you don't confuse your feelings with the person's actions. They work. But only if you really care about solving a problem. If all you care about is running roughshod over your partner, then forget about it.
Hey, I'm with you on raunchy sex--if you were into it, GO FOR IT. I have no problem with people expressing themselves in what ever consensual way they please. And you know what, if he REALLY wanted to have this beautiful erotic hot sex with you, he would allow you to grow comfortable with it-maybe take tantric sex classes or have you select some porn (hey, lesbian porn might be pretty fun!!). However, what he's into doesn't really include you, to be honest. It's not about having you be a willing partner, it's about pushing his demands on you because he wants to dominate you. It's his only outlet because he my feel like you have the upper hand in the house: you pay the bills, you gave birth to that beautiful girl, you nourish her with your breast milk. And he's scared. If he loses his dominance, you may actually recognize the wonderful, smart, talented, and financially independent person that you are.
If anyone needs therapy, it's him. He needs to work through why he's obsessed with hard-core sex. (And I agree with you, by downloading all that hardcore porn, he's assuming that all these women out there are really loving it. I got news for him, many porn actors feel that they are, well, actors, and so are ACTING.)
Will he really feel "satisfied" once he gets what he wants? I think not. The sex thing is simply one symbol of other desires he has. Those desires are being manifest in this sexual energy. But real satisfaction (in life, I would venture) doesn't come merely from fucking yourself senseless. It comes from deeply understanding the root of your desires and wishes, recognizing that those desires are ephemeral, and being loving to yourself in your daily existence. I'm going out on a limb and going to say that he's not loving himself. He therefore isn't going to be able to reach out and act loving to someone else.
OK, I'm off my soap box and I want to apologise in advance if I offended you (I know the cardinal rule that it's OK to complain about your own family and friends, but don't let anyone ELSE do that). But I really needed to reach out to you. I want you to know deep down that you have the power in this relationship. He sees that. And he doesn't like it. You can turn that power into your advantage by either 1) steering him toward more positive channels for his sexual energy via therapy; or 2) if he denies that he has any issues and that any cracks in the marriage are your fault, ditch him.
Hate to be so blunt, but based on your posts, I haven't seen one ounce of respect for you from this guy.
And I guess I care so much about this issue because you and I share many characteristics: I'm 34, mother of two children, work full-time (as does my husband, but I make about 50% more than he does). And although I'm the "cash cow" in the relationship, I'm also the one pulling the second shift-waking up with babies at night, breast feeding (pumping while at work and dealing with all the hassles of unsympathetic coworkers), cooking at home, etc. I've also had my share of marital strife centered on sex (impotence that was "my fault" because he was intimidated because I was so sexual. Nice, huh? That goodness that's in our past and now we're both just too exhausted to do much more than snuggle!) What has kept me sane is knowing that I have the full emotional support of my husband-that even when we're having bad moments, we both know they're just moments and we try our best to have adult conversations about issues (and not point fingers). I don't see that same respect/ adult conversations with your husband, and, frankly, that makes me very sad for you. Because you're working your ASS off and you deserve (as we all do) to be appreciated and not undermined or demeaned.
Thanks for listening/reading. Oh, and if you're at all curious about being mindful in your daily existence (and I know Teri will second this suggestion), check out your local Vipassana meditation group: http://www.dhamma.org/. Sure, you have lots of free time, I know, but finding your own inner peace will certainly help deal with a lot of crap slung at you. Maybe even the husband would be interested, because he really needs to find some peace.
p.s. If you'd like to chat some time, let me know and I can send you my e-mail address.
Post a Comment
<< Home